My dear sweet babies in heaven… oh how I miss you so much. Marvel, it’s been almost 4 months since you left my womb, and Anchor, it’s been almost 2 months. Did you know that I think of each of you daily? Not an hour goes by that you don’t permeate my mind. Your names and your due dates are engraved on my heart – my soul. Some days I can barely breathe to imagine what it would be like to hold you. To kiss you. To nurse you. To watch you play with your older brothers.
I picture you, you know. Your faces and your hands and your little feet. I think of what you’re doing. What are you doing up in heaven? Are you waiting for me? Are you worshiping at the feet of our Lord? At the feet of my Lord? Do you think of me?
It’s selfish, I know. But I wish you were here. You are in the most wonderful place ever created. You are with the One that I dream of being with. You will never know pain or sadness or death or hurt. You will never know sin and its devastating consequences. You know only of Life and peace and joy and worship.
But still. I wish you were here. I wish I could sing you to sleep, even in my belly. I wish you could feel the sticky kisses pressed to my belly from your big brothers. I wish your daddy could talk to you, and convince you to kick for him.
You are in paradise, and yet, I wish you were here. With me.
Some days, I feel such guilt that you are alone, without a mama to tuck you in at night. I know, I know. How silly. You’re in the arms of Jesus, and nothing compares to that. You could never be lonely! But my mama heart can’t help but hurt, thinking of how you’ll never know my tender touch. Not in this lifetime at least. I am comforted, sweet Marvel and dear Anchor, knowing that you have each other. Do you sit together? Sleep together? Watch over me and your brothers and your daddy? I sure hope so.
One day, I will be there, in Heaven, with you. We will walk the streets of gold. Together. We will rejoice at the pearly gates. Together. We will sing Holy Holy Holy and Glory Hallelujah. Together. We will walk arm in arm and hand in hand to see our Savior.
When I make it to heaven, just know you’ll be my first stop after I fall at our Savior’s feet. Oh how I can’t wait to experience what you’ve already known – to be wrapped in love by Jesus Christ. Even a mama needs someone to wipe away her tears, and He is the only One who can take this pain away. But know, that next, I’ll be coming to find you. So I can extend what He has given me, and I can wrap you both up. I will carry you on my chest and kiss your faces. I will smile so brightly to know that I’ve waited a lifetime to meet a part of my heart. And that all my dreams have come true and my prayers have been answered.
That is a day and a moment I think of so often. It’s a dream that gets me through the most difficult days and the darkest of nights.
Oh Marvel and Anchor. There are babies before you, and there will be babies after you. But please know, that I would give anything to have each of you back. If I could walk the whole world round 100 times, for another minute of time with you in my womb, I would do it in a heartbeat.
You can never be replaced in my heart or in our family. We will always leave a place for you. We have stockings for you at Christmastime. Memorials for you. Never an event will go by, that we won’t mention you and think of you. And know, that while we desperately miss you, we are so happy you are with our Jesus.
My sweet babies, I love you more than words can express or any heart but a mama’s could ever understand. I miss you, and you’ll continue to cross my mind every day for eternity. “I can only imagine what it will be like”… when I get to meet you for the very first time.