Over the last couple months, I’ve shared a lot about my journey through Jake’s absence during Basic training – how I knew God would use this time to refine me; how humbled I was to see that I needed and wanted help; how much I rely on my Jesus when there is nothing left on earth to do but pray.
It’s been almost 3 weeks since Archer’s second seizure that completely turned my world upside down. At the time, I thought it was just another “episode”, and another challenge to get through by the grace of God.
But now, days later, I’m still reeling. I can’t sleep. I can hardly eat. It takes everything in me to silence the voices of fear and anxiety speaking into my head and my heart. I thought I was humbled already, when Jake left and I needed friends and family to rally around me – but I’ve never been humbled like this before.
Psalm 27:4 says “One thing I have desired of the Lord, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord, And to inquire in His temple.” I love this verse because it says “One Thing”. For the Psalmist, seeking his God was his priority. Compared to this, nothing else mattered. I love this verse because of that dedication. I’ve always prayed and asked God to help me make Him my One Thing.
And in this season, God is asking me to back up my words with actions. Is He truly my One Thing? My husband is away, not physically present for me to lean on. Org changes at work create a wake of uncertainty. My beautiful first born son is under spiritual and physical attack at just 2 years old. And God asks me, “Am I your One Thing?”
Please understand – I in no way think that God is the author of all these negative things! God gives good and perfect gifts to His children. But I do believe He is working in this situation to present me with an opportunity to choose Him. To choose faith and joy. To lean on Him and trust in His promises. To do spiritual battle for my son.
To tell Him whether or not He is sufficient – to show Him if He is my One Thing – to choose Him in the darkest of days.
My heart isn’t ready to share everything that has happened this week, at least not until Jake comes home again (3 weeks!). But on Wednesday, the little Baggs boys and I moved in with my parents. They’d offered their home to us back when Jake first left, but my pride and my desire for my way kept us in our home. And in truth, I love my home, and I never want to leave it.
But after almost 2 weeks since Jake’s second departure, I still haven’t fully recovered. My heart has not healed. I can’t walk into the house without the memory of that night playing over and over – the gripping fear coupled with the rush of adrenaline to pack up my babies and get them to the ER – the complete despair of not having my partner with me. That house is my home, but for now, I need some space and time to deal with that trauma.
At first, I was so disappointed with myself that I felt the need to move us to my parents’ home. Am I so insufficient that I can’t take care of my own children? But now I see that was a lie from the enemy. The last thing he wants is for me to let down my guard, accept help, and bring my babies to the same Scripture-soaked home that I was raised in. I’m convinced there has been no holier home in all of the city than my parents’ home this week. The amount of prayer and fasting and promise-claiming that has taken place there in the past several days is incredible.
So now, I stop striving and focus on my One Thing. It’s time to rest in God’s promises!
“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” Exodus 14:14
“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31